Draft 3

Whenever I’ve watched to news lately, I feel like I’m watching the 2016-22 version of “West World.” I’m old enough to remember the original movie (yoikes!) — quite interesting and ahead of its time, although the special effects were both more- and less-laughable than the current decade’s edition. The 70’s movie was a sci-fi western, and the plot was as straightforward as could be.

The 2016 season of the series was fun and easily comprehensible. The actors were great (no disrepect to Yul Brynner). The production values were awesome; you could see every penny up on the screen. It’s been 50-some years since the original movie came out, and the plot premise seems far more plausible, being as the sentient robots are — in many ways– just on the horizon. Which gives the series’ scary plot twists an even more ominous feel.

Even in the first season, though, the plot could sometimes be a little hard to follow. But I could still sort it out by telling myself, mainly “Dolores: good; Teddy: probably good; Man in Black: Elon Musk, prob not good; Bernard: principled scientist; Maeve: complex” Then at some point in Season 2, with all the brain ball-bearing transfers, and moving between the “real” world and the “artificial” world, I was finding it difficult to keep up. I had to read synopses on reddit and Vulture, just to get an idea of what was happening, and wasn’t sure even they got it right.

At some point in Season 3 I found myself asking, “Is that real Bernard talking to robot Bernard in the clone body of Teddy, replaced by fake Maeve and the hands of real-world Dolores? The show felt impossible to follow, but I still liked looking at it. I just let the complexity wash over me and stopped trying to track it. And then maybe I would read something or hear something that explained a little bit of it to me, and that was good enough.

By season 4, to be honest, I had stopped watching. There didn’t seem to be any point. I didn’t care anymore who was mechanical, human, good, bad or any combination thereof. It seemed a little bit like the writers were just rolling a bunch of dodecahedron dice to move the plot along. I wasn’t learning anything, or pondering what makes something ‘artificial’ or ‘real’ or what is life on Earth for, or who would, could, or should, survive an upcoming dystopia.

Anyway, this is also how I feel about the news these days: Is that a real politician talking to an AI other guy, in a story about a groyper who’s looksmaxing as an antisemitic snowflake at the request of a cloned terrorist dictator who will be escorting a select portion of humanity to another planet as long they believe the right things? I’m so confused I can’t even watch any more. And it’s not just because of AI slop; it’s also because the viewpoints are so cross-referenced, convoluted, and mutable, that I can’t keep them straight.

*Sigh*

 

 

 

I recently saw an interview with a film director (name redacted) who said that “No one is nice.” That’s an unorthodox take, which almost makes me want to agree with it.  I guess there’s some validity to it. Even the nicest of people can be triggered into a mean, defensive or angry posture. You know, we all have a ‘horrible’ button that was installed at some time in our youth. Some of these buttons have very specific activation rules, and aren’t likely to be tripped in most day-to-day goings-on. But for some people, their ‘horrible’ buttons are almost always ‘on’. So that is what we would call a horrible person.

All this is to say, that while no one is always nice, some people are nice most of the time. I have noticed that there are a few occupations or hobbies that increase the likelihood of niceness, and I’m going to throw them out here. See if you agree.

1. Pet sitter.
   Pet sitters can be unique and quirky, often somewhat introverted, but who doesn’t love a good “I” animal caregiver? I have found pet sitters to be astonishingly nice. They don’t care if your house is a mess, your dog smells like doritos, your cat only wants to drink Dasani water, your lizard needs to be placed on top of the refrigerator for 15 minutes every day … you get the idea. They really care about the animals, and they’re not only in it for the $$$.
2. Gardening people.
   There’s something about people who care so much about making things grow. Is it a reverence for life, for the earth, for paying attention to the tiniest details and appreciating the results in an patient way? Is it a willingness to nurture, to anticipate a positive outcome? Is it that gardening is a slowing-down, contemplative activity? I don’t know why, but if you can get past (maybe) a bit of quirkiness, gardening people are usually nice.

A bit of an aside here. There are some folks who love animals, or plants, or whatever, way more than they like people. And they can be real jerks to humans. Advisory: these people are in need of major TLC, but you don’t have to provide it.

 

 

 

The closed caption bots keep rendering her name as ‘Kristy Gnome’. To which, gotta say, <3

I would like AI to vacuum, do the dishes, and clean the bathroom so that I can write and make art. I do not want AI to write and make art so that I can vacuum, do dishes and clean bathrooms.

I also want to know who decided that time spent creating art is less valuable than time spent cleaning bathrooms.

 

Sure, we all love Elf, Home Alone, Love Actually and maybe even Miracle on 34th Street. But there are also lots of movies that can give us that cozy, but wistful, holiday feeling without being so obvious about it.

For me, it generally starts with multi-colored tree lights and maybe a holiday classic jingling quietly in the background. Sure, there might be automatic weapons, explosions, cursing and absolutely no Santa Claus, but does that mean that can’t be “holiday”?  After all, family fights are a long-standing holiday tradition too.

Merry Christmas Mother Lovers

Let’s begin with an action film that is at last gaining recognition as a Christmas classic: Die Hard. Yes, it’s set at Christmas time, and NYPD cop, John McClain, generically estranged from his wife, has flown out to Los Angeles, set on a reunion with his now west-coast-based family. It’s Christmas! The kids! Even his suit-wearing, successful, business wife is bound to succumb!

Reunification obstacles intervene, however, in the form of mercenary faux-terrorists, and after about an hour and twenty minutes of breaking glass, lunk-crushing and adorable alliances, the family reunion is in the bag. Santa’s bag, you might say. About 30 people died, including maybe 10 bad guys, but a happy ending at Christmas-time is a happy ending indeed.

Family Comes First

Along the same lines, let us consider The Godfather, Part I. While not entirely set during the holidays, the film does feature a few key yuletide scenes. To wit, Don Corleone has been seriously wounded (mafia-related gunshots) just before Christmas, and is being cared for in a dark, sparsely decorated Long Island hospital. Multicolored lights? Check. Tinkling music in the background? Check. Snow on the ground? Check. The ICU is lightly staffed because … plot points. The Don’s Number One Son, Michael, is fortuitously visiting his Dad that night and cottons on to the fact that the rival mafiosi have returned to the hospital to finish the Don off.

With the help of one very nervous nurse (who is already in a shit mood because she’s working nights at Christmas) and “I am Enzo, the Baker,” Michael manages to wheel the Don’s hospital bed to safety. Sure, they saved the life of a murderous gangster, but a happy outcome at Christmas-time is still a happy outcome.

Bruges is in Belgium

And last, let us consider the ultimate “unconventional” choice, In Bruges. This offbeat dark comedy — or occasionally humorous catalog of violence, depending on your mood — features two failed Irish hitmen – Ray and Ken – who have been exiled to the city of Bruges while their evil boss, Harry, tries to figure out what to do with them. Spoiler alert: it’s not good. Our Dumb and Dumber protagonists are holed up in Bruges during the Christmas season. Ray fookin’ hates Bruges because he’s “not retarded” (debatable). Ken, on the other hand, rather likes the sleepy medieval town.

Yes, another gangster movie that takes place during Christmastime. Something about the juxtaposition of the sacred and the profane. Let’s be clear, there is nobody to like in this movie. They are all horrible. And also monumentally stupid. In Bruges has made me wonder if it’s a more realistic portrayal of so-called organized crime than the Godfather. The characters are incompetent, they’re violent, they’re racist, they’re sexist and every other non-PC thing you can imagine. They repeatedly make the worst decisions possible.

Ray has botched his hitman career by accidentally killing a young boy while in the process of doing a paid hit on a priest. (Yoikes, what’s the story there?) Ken has fouled up by 1) letting Ray do the hit before he was pro-level and 2) not dispatching Ray immediately upon seeing the murdered kid.

Now here’s the dark comedy part. Ray is near-suicidal about the dead kid. But not quite ready to end himself. And, although he knows it’s expected of him, Ken can’t kill Ray because they’re friends. Until he kind of can. So … friends? Meanwhile evil-boss Harry has hopped on over to Bruges to finish the jobs himself, starting with Ken. However, it turns out that Harry can’t kill Ken unless Ken “gives him a reason,” such as trying to fight back. See, Harry has principles. Everyone knows this.

Let us not forget that it is Christmastime in Bruges. There are multicolored lights, carol-singers, lots of homey cafes and amber pints of beer. Our three heroes spend a fair amount of time in bell-towers and churches, but none of it rubs off on them. After a series of spectacularly dumb decisions, they all end up dead — along with a few additional not-very-nice, but technically innocent, victims.

I did learn a few things from In Bruges. First, I would like to visit Bruges — but maybe only for a day or two. Second, I did not know how close the city was to England. You really could hop right on over.

And third, for me, the thing that qualifies a film as a Christmas movie, even more than twinkly lights, is redemption. A la Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Or It’s a Wonderful Life. Or virtually any Hallmark movie. The main character grows to understand the value of friendship, or family, or community. Their cynicism or despair is banished, and they move forward with hope.

Is there redemption in Die Hard? I say yes. Our estranged couple grasp how much they still love each other and see the value of staying together, even if sacrifices must be made.

Is there redemption in Godfather I ? It’s a little more nuanced than Die Hard, but I still say yes. Michael, who has broken his father’s heart by refusing to join the family business, saves his Dad’s life, ultimately whispering to him “Pop, I’m here”. He has joined with his father, even if he has sacrificed his last scrap of decency to do it.

Is there redemption in In Bruges? The movie toys with us throughout — maybe Ray will truly repent and settle down with a nice girl. Maybe Ken will refuse to kill anyone and open a pub in Bruges. Maybe Harry will decide he really isn’t cut out for the hitman business and let bygones be bygones.

But nope. Nobody repents nothin’ and everybody ends up dead In Bruges. But I guess that’s what makes an independent movie independent. Also, Die Hard and The Godfather were made in the last century, intended for popular consumption and big-deal movie theater releases. By now we’ve seen those two films so many times that the violence and bloodshed isn’t as shocking as it once was. But the gore in In Bruges is hard to watch.

But In Bruges was made in the early 21st century and is twisty, self-aware and full of the contemporary snark that makes redemption unlikely. So it is not, in my opinion, a holiday movie. It is simply set during the season.

 

 

 

No matter when a dystopian future movie is set — 20 years from now, 100 years, 500 years, more — it seems these relics of the 20th century survive:

• Cigarettes
• Jumpsuits
• Mid-century modern chairs
• Whiskey
• Coffee

Rarely do characters in future movies consume food, but when they do, it’s noodles. Am I right?

My thoughts on succession in just a moment. But first I have to go read my “King Lear” Spark Notes.

“Confidence. It’s the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool”

– Vikram, from The Office

Collecting data and not doing anything with it is the same as not collecting data. Discuss.

Once led by fearsome warriors who conquered vast lands and ruled for hundreds of years, now a furniture category on Wayfair: The Ottoman Empire. It always seems like an empire will last forever, but it never does.