Draft 3
I would like AI to vacuum, do the dishes, and clean the bathroom so that I can write and make art. I do not want AI to write and make art so that I can vacuum, do dishes and clean bathrooms.
I also want to know who decided that time spent creating art is less valuable than time spent cleaning bathrooms.
Sure, we all love Elf, Home Alone, Love Actually and maybe even Miracle on 34th Street. But there are also lots of movies that can give us that cozy, but wistful, holiday feeling without being so obvious about it.
For me, it generally starts with multi-colored tree lights and maybe a holiday classic jingling quietly in the background. Sure, there might be automatic weapons, explosions, cursing and absolutely no Santa Claus, but does that mean that can’t be “holiday”? After all, family fights are a long-standing holiday tradition too.
Let’s begin with an action film that is at last gaining recognition as a Christmas classic: Die Hard. Yes, it’s set at Christmas time, and NYPD cop, John McClain, generically estranged from his wife, has flown out to Los Angeles, set on a reunion with his now west-coast-based family. It’s Christmas! The kids! Even his suit-wearing, successful, business wife is bound to succumb!
Reunification obstacles intervene, however, in the form of mercenary faux-terrorists, and after about an hour and twenty minutes of breaking glass, lunk-crushing and adorable alliances, the family reunion is in the bag. Santa’s bag, you might say. About 30 people died, including maybe 10 bad guys, but a happy ending at Christmas-time is a happy ending indeed.
Along the same lines, let us consider The Godfather, Part I. While not entirely set during the holidays, the film does feature a few key yuletide scenes. To wit, Don Corleone has been seriously wounded (mafia-related gunshots) just before Christmas, and is being cared for in a dark, sparsely decorated Long Island hospital. Multicolored lights? Check. Tinkling music in the background? Check. Snow on the ground? Check. The ICU is lightly staffed because … plot points. The Don’s Number One Son, Michael, is fortuitously visiting his Dad that night and cottons on to the fact that the rival mafiosi have returned to the hospital to finish the Don off.
With the help of one very nervous nurse (who is already in a shit mood because she’s working nights at Christmas) and “I am Enzo, the Baker,” Michael manages to wheel the Don’s hospital bed to safety. Sure, they saved the life of a murderous gangster, but a happy outcome at Christmas-time is still a happy outcome.
And last, let us consider the ultimate “unconventional” choice, In Bruges. This offbeat dark comedy — or occasionally humorous catalog of violence, depending on your mood — features two failed Irish hitmen – Ray and Ken – who have been exiled to the city of Bruges while their evil boss, Harry, tries to figure out what to do with them. Spoiler alert: it’s not good. Our Dumb and Dumber protagonists are holed up in Bruges during the Christmas season. Ray fookin’ hates Bruges because he’s “not retarded” (debatable). Ken, on the other hand, rather likes the sleepy medieval town.
Yes, another gangster movie that takes place during Christmastime. Something about the juxtaposition of the sacred and the profane. Let’s be clear, there is nobody to like in this movie. They are all horrible. And also monumentally stupid. In Bruges has made me wonder if it’s a more realistic portrayal of so-called organized crime than the Godfather. The characters are incompetent, they’re violent, they’re racist, they’re sexist and every other non-PC thing you can imagine. They repeatedly make the worst decisions possible.
Ray has botched his hitman career by accidentally killing a young boy while in the process of doing a paid hit on a priest. (Yoikes, what’s the story there?) Ken has fouled up by 1) letting Ray do the hit before he was pro-level and 2) not dispatching Ray immediately upon seeing the murdered kid.
Now here’s the dark comedy part. Ray is near-suicidal about the dead kid. But not quite ready to end himself. And, although he knows it’s expected of him, Ken can’t kill Ray because they’re friends. Until he kind of can. So … friends? Meanwhile evil-boss Harry has hopped on over to Bruges to finish the jobs himself, starting with Ken. However, it turns out that Harry can’t kill Ken unless Ken “gives him a reason,” such as trying to fight back. See, Harry has principles. Everyone knows this.
Let us not forget that it is Christmastime in Bruges. There are multicolored lights, carol-singers, lots of homey cafes and amber pints of beer. Our three heroes spend a fair amount of time in bell-towers and churches, but none of it rubs off on them. After a series of spectacularly dumb decisions, they all end up dead — along with a few additional not-very-nice, but technically innocent, victims.
I did learn a few things from In Bruges. First, I would like to visit Bruges — but maybe only for a day or two. Second, I did not know how close the city was to England. You really could hop right on over.
And third, for me, the thing that qualifies a film as a Christmas movie, even more than twinkly lights, is redemption. A la Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Or It’s a Wonderful Life. Or virtually any Hallmark movie. The main character grows to understand the value of friendship, or family, or community. Their cynicism or despair is banished, and they move forward with hope.
Is there redemption in Die Hard? I say yes. Our estranged couple grasp how much they still love each other and see the value of staying together, even if sacrifices must be made.
Is there redemption in Godfather I ? It’s a little more nuanced than Die Hard, but I still say yes. Michael, who has broken his father’s heart by refusing to join the family business, saves his Dad’s life, ultimately whispering to him “Pop, I’m here”. He has joined with his father, even if he has sacrificed his last scrap of decency to do it.
Is there redemption in In Bruges? The movie toys with us throughout — maybe Ray will truly repent and settle down with a nice girl. Maybe Ken will refuse to kill anyone and open a pub in Bruges. Maybe Harry will decide he really isn’t cut out for the hitman business and let bygones be bygones.
But nope. Nobody repents nothin’ and everybody ends up dead In Bruges. But I guess that’s what makes an independent movie independent. Also, Die Hard and The Godfather were made in the last century, intended for popular consumption and big-deal movie theater releases. By now we’ve seen those two films so many times that the violence and bloodshed isn’t as shocking as it once was. But the gore in In Bruges is hard to watch.
But In Bruges was made in the early 21st century and is twisty, self-aware and full of the contemporary snark that makes redemption unlikely. So it is not, in my opinion, a holiday movie. It is simply set during the season.
No matter when a dystopian future movie is set — 20 years from now, 100 years, 500 years, more — it seems these relics of the 20th century survive:
Rarely do characters in future movies consume food, but when they do, it’s noodles. Am I right?
My thoughts on succession in just a moment. But first I have to go read my “King Lear” Spark Notes.
“Confidence. It’s the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool”
– Vikram, from The Office
Collecting data and not doing anything with it is the same as not collecting data. Discuss.
Once led by fearsome warriors who conquered vast lands and ruled for hundreds of years, now a furniture category on Wayfair: The Ottoman Empire. It always seems like an empire will last forever, but it never does.
First, I’m very lucky that I haven’t contracted the virus. But I’m only a few degrees of separation from those who have. So let’s get that out of the way.
When my full-time employer issued the decree in March 2020 to ‘go work from home.’ I was pretty excited. It was starting to feel hinky out there. People were acting weird in the office, getting mad if anyone coughed, and then going out to raves, and then dealing with the side eyes when they returned. You get the idea.
I love working in my home office. I love not commuting. I love having lunch break on my back patio. I knew there weren’t going to be a lot of entertainment options in this new world, but even so … I could exercise every day! I could take walks every day! And so began Phase 1.
About four weeks in, when it was absolutely clear the ‘before times’ weren’t coming back anytime soon, exercising every day forever wasn’t so appealing. So ended Phase 1.
Then came Phase 2. Get back to reading books. I’ll read a book a week! As long as it’s fiction. Unfortunately I discovered that modern media has destroyed my attention span. Reading does calm the mind. Even if you’re reading a book about a British girl who can’t stop shopping, it’s still making your brain work better. But my internet brain barely had the patience for it.
After finishing about four books, I thought, who am I kidding with this book a week idea? Do what you can do.
Enter Phase 3. Cooking stuff I don’t usually cook. It’s a cliche, but banana bread happened, so did bagels, soup with cilantro, and brownies. There was a lot of baking. The pendulum had swung away from daily exercise, to lying on the couch watching tv and eating carbs.
Phase 4. Depressing Documentaries. Including Tiger King, The Vow, and I’ll Be Gone in the Dark.
Phase 5. Home Improvement. That’s where I am now. Sometimes it’s just pushing furniture around, sometimes it’s extensive browsing on Wayfair.
The weirdest thing is, that once upon a time I thought this would end. It seems like a million phases ago.
These days I can hop in the ocean for a swim whenever I feel like it. This is particularly nice in the summer when the water’s calm and warm and the sea critters keep their distance.
So imagine my surprise the other day when I saw a fellow in full-on wet suit and snorkel gear, swimming back and forth along the beachfront. Wierd — because you hardly ever see anyone in a wetsuit here, even on those few surf-worthy days. What’s more, the guy was just slowly floating along, about 50 yards out, not really going anywhere.
Then one of the lifeguards started to blow his whistle at the guy and gesture in an agitated fashion. Who knew … I had never even seen the lifeguards move before. Kind of like those motionless iguanas who sun themselves on the rocks all day.
The snorkler started half-heartedly swimming downshore, but probably realized he was never going to outswim a rescue ATV. Accordingly, he made a dash for the beach. Dragging along, of all things, a fishing line loaded with what looked to be over 20 ocean perch or red snapper. Despite being loaded down with two dozen fish and wearing a full-body wetsuit, mask and snorkel, the perch poacher managed to elude the (now thoroughly amused) lifeguard.
I don’t know what rule the guy broke, if any. But I definitely felt like I had just witnessed the “ocean perch” version of the Seinfeld “lobster” episode.
If you never want anyone to pick up when you call, simply change your caller name to ‘Scam Likely.’